When you become a parent, you inevitably get a LOT of advice. On all kinds of topics.
Feeding.
When THEY should sleep.
When YOU should sleep.
Products to use.
Parenting methods.
Discipline.
Health tips.
Since every kid is different, and every family is different, not all of it makes sense or applies. And then some of it hits the nail right on the head.
One piece of advice I still constantly hear is to have grace with yourself as a mom.
Which, in my mind, used to mean having a fuzzy sort of zen mode no matter what chaos is swirling around you. Of course that thought now makes me want to roll my eyes.
How do you expect to go about that, O Wise One?
Time and experience have changed that view a bit. Instead of that numb sort of lifestyle, I now see having “grace with yourself as a mom” a little bit differently.
I see it as being about choices and priorities. It’s about choosing patience, forgiveness, sometimes even your own sanity over some irrationally high standard we seem to set for ourselves as moms.
In the practical sense, that means a lot of different things to me. So in case you’re a new mom and you’ve heard that phrase before and don’t know what to do it, here’s what it means to me in my ever-changing journey as a mom.
It means laughing instead of crying when something doesn’t go according to plan.
Which is about 75% of the time. It’s not hanging my head in shame when we are late, or when I have to soothe my crying child in a public place. You don’t have to be anxious about forgetting a diaper and having to ask a friend for one, about the thing your child ate that you aren’t sure about.
Sometimes it just means not apologizing for being the hot mess mom that I am. I forget, do the wrong thing, get stressed, and make questionable choices. And I just do my best and start again. That’s all any of us can do. Don’t focus so much on getting it all right. (What does that even mean, anyway?)
It means celebrating the small victories.
And accomplishing a few things in a day, instead of stretching yourself to do everything and coming up empty.
So many days there are dishes left in the sink, there are wet clothes forgotten in the washer, my kids haven’t seen a bath that day. It’s what it is.
Start training your eyes to see the good that has come out of today. The sweet way your child interacted with another. The messy and memorable meals you had with your kids. You’re doing a good job, Mama.
It’s sometimes settling for less than my expectations for my kids, instead of an all-out war.
I’m talking about at the dinner table, or at the park. If it means two more minutes at the train table at Barnes and Noble, then that’s what it is. Sometimes my rigid “no” isn’t the best thing for anyone involved.
As I’m growing in the idea of giving yourself grace as a mom, I’m learning that to be a more playful and flexible mama means that I can be more mindful and enjoy life a little more. And hey, my kids do, too!
Most days, it’s ignoring that perfect little Pinterestworthy mom in my head.
The one that tells me I’m probably not creating enough educational opportunities for my preschoolers. Or including enough organic foods in their diets. Or making our house sparkling-clean enough.
Some standards and expectations are good. Some are ridiculously high, set up out of comparison to someone’s online highlight reel. And you know what? That voice just needs to take a hike.
It’s giving myself the chance to take time away from my kids.
I’ve built up caring for yourself as being selfish, when self-care actually makes me a better mom (and person). I find it in different ways – yoga, eating a good meal, reading my Bible and praying, writing, or even just walking around a store. (By myself! It’s like a vacation.)
And surprise! Sometimes your friends and family actually want to spend time with your littles, and want to see you happy and sane. Let them help you by watching the kids, whether they offer or you ask.
It’s not torturing yourself with impossible standards, while simultaneously telling everyone else they shouldn’t feel so bad.
Most times I’ll gladly tell other moms that they look great and shouldn’t stress so much about losing the baby weight. Or that they shouldn’t worry about their child’s bumps and bruises.
And then I go and tear myself apart over those things in my own life. I obsess over every little thing that went wrong that I could have prevented or handled better. (And really – could I have? Should I have?) That’s not grace, mama.
Finally, it’s forgiving yourself when things go wrong.
As they inevitably do once in a while. When your kid gets ahold of some chalk and thinks it’s a good idea to snack on it. Or when your baby rolls off the bed. It happens to the best of us.
While of course every mistake is an opportunity to do better next time, things do happen. Refusing to forgive yourself doesn’t help anyone.
Basically, grace is an ongoing choice to do what’s best for you and your family, instead of what’s perfect.
Sometimes it’s what’s best over what other people think is best. And sometimes you’re just up against yourself, fighting your own sense of perfectionism.
I don’t know if you realize it, but this is a crazy stage of life, for anyone.
Raising kids is probably the most selfless, most consuming, most humbling job you’ll have. You’re a major part in forming someone’s worldview, their character, and their future.
We can choose to take on the weight of that so seriously until it breaks us. Or we can see how many have gone before us and did just fine. And the kids who turned out pretty decent because of, or despite, it all.
I also believe it means that we can let go, and let God work the good in our lives that he longs to do.
He can work through every good and bad decision and situation in our lives, and our kids lives, to get us where we need to be. Often he works even more powerfully when we have nothing left to give.
So, Mama, have a little grace with yourself as a mom. Relax the unyielding expectations, celebrate the joys and victories, and move on when things don’t go according to plan. It will make this whole parenting thing at least a bit of a smoother ride.
How about you?
How do you choose to have grace with yourself as a mom?
For more encouragement, see my encouraging moms Pinterest board.
Photo Credit:
1 – My Own
2 – Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
3 – Sai De Silva on Unsplash
4 – Jens Johnsson on Unsplash
5 – Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash
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