managing emotions as a mom

Struggling to deal with hurt, frustration, anxiety, or sadness while raising kids? (Theirs or yours?) Here are tips for managing emotions as a mom, while you help your kids navigate theirs. 

Being a mom has made me realize oh so much about myself.

One of those realizations that I keep running into, like a brick wall? Learning how to manage my own emotions, especially as I go about parenting my kids.

So often I want them to just get their emotions together and move on. I’m quick to admonish them for throwing or hitting out of anger. I can get impatient with their tears when they fall running, after I repeatedly told them not to. 

And then I’ll find myself – oh, I don’t know – slamming a toy train down on the ground multiple times after it just won’t work for me no matter what I do. (That may or may not have happened recently.) 

Most days, I don’t know how to manage my emotions any better than them.

Our emotions are real. Neglecting them (ours or our kids) doesn’t do any good for anyone. 

Do I want my kids to grow up emotionless? Absolutely not. Do I care about how they feel? Absolutely. If I get impatient, it’s because things aren’t going my way, or on my schedule.

As a mom, I want to teach my kids how to feel and face their emotions in a healthy way, and set a positive example for them, without putting unnecessary burden on them.

For example, if I’m frustrated because a toy isn’t working properly and I can’t seem to fix it, that means attempting to express my frustration without setting a negative example. 

Or, on the other hand, if I’m feeling anxious and uncertain about current events, like the pandemic, it means working through my emotions personally without hiding or numbing my feelings, or making my kids feel unnecessarily anxious and uncertain. 

It’s a tricky line, and I don’t always get it right. But there are some things I’ve learned along the way that help create a healthier environment emotionally.

Here are some helpful tips for managing emotions as a mom.

Take a deep breath and count to four.

Please tell me I’m not the only mom who sings those words, Daniel Tiger-style? It comes with the territory of having young kids. 

Instead of exploding out of anger, or bursting into tears, taking a deep breath and counting (to any number) helps you to be grounded and calm down. We can lose all perspective when we’re upset and end up reacting. 

It helps to pause. And it sets a good example for kids, who are wired to react instinctively. We are the ones who can teach them how to take a minute before responding.

Make silly noises or faces. 

It does happen, more often than I’d like, that I’ll take a step in the playroom and find myself landing on a Lego piece. Which leads to grinding teeth and a growl. Which can either turn into a screech and a glare…or a silly noise and a goofy face. It gives me a chance to get out that emotion – while leaving my kiddos laughing. And it keeps me from lashing out when I feel angry. 

Normalize tears and talking. 

Instead of shaming or overly-emphasizing tears, create a culture where it’s okay to cry. In fact, say it out loud. “It’s okay to cry.” For you and for them. It helps to remind kids that even if you’re crying or sad, you still love them no matter what. And hugs are always appreciated.

I also try to share why I’m feeling what I’m feeling, if it’s age-appropriate. Sometimes it’s just, “I’m feeling sad right now,” but other times it’s “I feel frustrated that you didn’t respond when I called you.” 

Get outside.

Outdoor time, with a little bit of fresh air and sun, work wonders on a discouraged soul. (Whether it’s yours or your kids’.) Play, take a walk, or let your kids play while you chaperone from a lawn chair. Check out more tips for finding joy in the everyday. 

Take a step back from the current situation.

I don’t know why, but in the moment, I feel the pressure to accomplish what I’ve started, even if it’s making me crazy. It’s something that seems to pass down to the next generation, too – perfection right now, or nothing. Not a good habit to start.

Take a step back. Do something else for a while. Put a toy in “time out” if the kids are fighting over it. Find a new activity. Set a timer and get back to it. Whatever you have to do so you don’t get consumed by your frustration. 

Find time for yourself.

Sometimes it feels impossible to get ten minutes to yourself, but if you can manage it in the morning or at night, getting time to refresh and recharge is an important way to refill your own cup. If you start the day at your wit’s end, chances are there will be plenty of emotions thrown around. 

Mess up – and then apologize.

Honestly? It’s not a realistic expectation for us to always respond in an emotionally healthy way. Nor is it realistic for our kids.

In our house, we all apologize. Including us parents. It may not happen right away – it might take some decompressing time. But eventually there’s an: “I’m sorry. I didn’t handle that well. What can we do to fix this?” Or, “how can I respond better next time?”

Pray and start again.

Along the lines of making mistakes – sometimes it’s not just one, but a whole morning, afternoon, DAY of mistakes. Of bumping heads, snapping, tears, or frustration. 

Luckily, we can start over anytime, and we can do that with God’s help. Stop, gather the family, and intentionally start the day over with a prayer for everyone to be at peace with each other, act kindly and lovingly toward each other, and consider one another.

Ask questions before reacting.

Assuming leads to more reactions and more problems. If someone lashes out or is in tears, seek to understand, instead of reacting. (This is coming from someone who has made this mistake too many times to count.) Give everyone a chance to explain. 

Remember: emotions aren’t bad.

They keep us in tune with what’s going on around us. They help us connect to others, and alert us when something might need a closer look. And we’re made in the image of our Creator, who gets emotional too.

It’s what we do with them that counts. Cultivating emotionally healthy habits at home makes a huge difference in our family life. (And when we mess up, we can always say “I’m sorry” and move on.)

How about you? How do you go about managing emotions as a mom? 

Photo Credit: 

1 – Amy Humphries on Unsplash

2 – Amy Humphries on Unsplash

3 – Brian Gordillo on Unsplash