secrets to being a more patient mom every day

Most days I love being a mom. But there are moments.

Moments when the Mary Poppins-style Patient Mom disappears. And her ugly twin, the Roaring Beast Mom shows up.

She screams! She yells! And then shame sets in. She apologizes and tries to move on – only to wake up in the middle of the night being eaten by guilt.

“I’ll do better,” she resolves. Which lasts until maybe mid-afternoon, after one too many sibling fights or tantrums or cups spill over due to carelessness. ROAR!

That mom is me. Can you relate?

I don’t want to be angry. I want to be a calm mom.

But being a patient mom seems impossible.

Even through the sibling squabbles, the talking back, the major messes, and the rule breaking, I realize flipping my lid isn’t the best way to handle it. It doesn’t solve anything.

It’s also apparent that getting frustrated only sets the wrong example for my kids. They’ve been known to throw kid-sized tantrums that look shockingly similar to someone’s adult-sized ones. I need to better deal with my anger so they can learn to deal with theirs.

But how do you break that habit?

How do you stop the avalanche, when your emotions have been snowballing?

What helps ease up the tension so that you can parent the heart, instead of losing your cool?

There are a few secrets I’ve found to help me in the journey to being a more patient mom.

These are daily, easy steps that either help me prepare for my day, help get through frustrating moments in the day with littles, or to deal with it when it happens.

Start the day with prayer.

Before you even get up, pray for a mindset of peace and patience with your children to prepare yourself for the day.

This is hands-down the one thing that makes all the difference in the battle to being a more patient mom. I’m serious – the days when I pray about this are completely different from the ones where I don’t.

Put the whole day in God’s hands before you even wake up. Pray for his help to overflow in fruits of the Spirit (like love, joy, peace, patience, etc.) with your family. (Husband too!) Pray to see them the way that God sees them, not just how you feel in the moment.

Acknowledge their abilities.

We get frustrated because our kids don’t meet what feel like reasonable expectations. Let’s get out the door on time! Don’t hit your brother! Tell me what’s bothering you, instead of throwing a fit!

The truth is, they are probably acting their age and developmental stage. It’s up to us to guide them towards making appropriate choices or expressing themselves well. We can do this by:

asking more questions (like, what happened to make you cry?)
letting them know what’s okay (being angry, okay; hitting someone, not okay)
taking the time to help them find a solution (if they won’t share the toy, maybe we can play somewhere else)
giving consequences when necessary to reinforce the right behavior (we agreed you wouldn’t hit, now we need to leave the playground)

This is honestly a helpful reminder for me! I forget that I’m holding my kids to an unfair standard – a grown-up one. When I slow down and realize that, it helps me to be more calm in my parenting.

Figure out their needs.

Bad behavior on their part might be an indicator of something completely different. Maybe you step back and realize they woke up super early that day, and are a little over-tired. Perhaps they don’t want to go to school because they’re in a fight with a friend.

Play the detective, and see if you can figure out the context of their behavior, so you can respond accordingly.

Realize acting out is a sign of feeling powerless.

I read that in this blog post on learning not to yell, and it clicked so much for me. OF COURSE. I’m yelling because I feel like I’ve lost control of the situation and don’t know what else to do. Fun fact: that’s why my kids yell, too.

There are different ways to take back control. (See the blog post above for a strategy that helps!) But ultimately it’s important and helps to realize you are in control as the mom.

Take a break.

Kids need time-outs, and sometimes moms do, too. Give yourself a chance to cool off when you feel the frustration rising.

Get kids, even younger ones, in on the action by explaining what’s happening. (Mommy needs a time-out, because she feels frustrated.) Maybe the whole family needs a time-out! Seeing you deal with your frustration in a healthy way is a good tool for them.

Go outside.

Fresh air does wonders for kids – and moms too. Getting outside can turn bad moods around. Just a little running, some space, some vitamin D, or just being outside the walls of your house makes a difference.

Be around other people.

It’s hard for me to lose my temper with an audience around. Go to the park, find your favorite indoor space to play, or see if you can hang with some friends and have an impromptu playdate.

It’s okay for everyone to have a day.

So someone’s lost it. (Maybe you.) We all have bad days. I appreciate a friend telling me this once, because it was a reminder that we fall short, and that’s okay. Not every day will be sunshine and rainbows. We can chalk it up to a bad moment and not feel like a total failure if mistakes happen, and we can do the same for our kids.

When all else fails, apologize and start again.

Yes, apologize to your kids. When we’ve messed up, we can admit it and work it out with them.

This is one solid thing in my mind from growing up: time and time again, my parents apologized to me. I remember how humbling it felt to hear them say “I’m sorry,” and how much it meant to me.

This is something that we operate in our household too. It happens after everyone cools down a bit, and only happens when I need it and I mean it. I don’t apologize for consequences they’ve earned. It’s when I know I’ve overreacted, unfairly accused, or of course, yelled or raged.