what does it mean to fight fair in marriage?

Over our engagement period (6 years ago – gulp!), one piece of advice people kept giving us was to “fight fair”. We smiled and nodded, and filed it away in our minds. Because in our blissful, honeymoon-like state, who would ever imagine us fighting?

Our engagement went by, and a few months of marriage. But like everyone (I think?), we fell victim to some big, blow-out fights eventually. And what it means to “fight fair” – or rather, the opposite – starts becoming really clear at that point.

Now I pass on my six-whole-years-of wisdom to others, and the biggest thing I share is this: like everyone shows love differently, everyone fights differently, too. We all come from different perspectives, usually built on our own family experiences. You can come from a family with happily married parents, divorced parents, or a blended family. How all those things happened, or what they have survived, or didn’t, can leave an impact on how you view your own marriage. And it affects how you fight.

I’ll give you an example: early in our marriage, we had a huge fight. (Can I tell you what it was about? Nope.) First strike against us? It was during my husband’s lunch break, which left very little time to resolve. Then at some point, I straight up walked out of the house and refused to come back until he was gone.

We both shudder now thinking about that fight. My husband left confused and fearful that our marriage was over; I felt justified in that I needed time before hashing it out. When I found out what was really going through his mind, it made me tear up.

That, my friends, is not an example to follow. So what does it mean to fight fair in marriage? I can’t give you all the advice, but there are some things that may help you gain perspective, in the form of red lights (things to stop), yellow lights (things to do with caution), and green lights (go for these things).

Red Lights

• Never lash out physically. There is never any good reason to do this, and it never ends well. If you have done this or experienced it, please please please get help. You can always start over, but don’t let it get worse.
• Don’t use “never” or “always”. Unless that person absolutely never has ________, and you know for sure they never ever will, it’s not true. It’s unnecessarily hurtful, puts up more defenses, and doesn’t help solve your problem.
• No name calling. Again, hurtful, and doesn’t solve the problem. Also, childlike.
• No threats. “I’m going to leave” or “I want a divorce” can be easy to pull out in an argument, but many times it’s just to get what you want. This isn’t effective in helping the other person to understand your hurt or to fix what’s wrong. James and I opt to keep the word “divorce” from our vocabulary with each other, because we are committed to  “’til death do us part”, and it’s too easy to use that word in a sarcastic or manipulative way.

Yellow Lights

• Take a break – but communicate through it. I am the type of person who hates running headfirst into conflict. But my husband needs me to let him know what’s going on in my mind before I take a break. I let him know that I need a few minutes, half an hour, to take a walk, etc, to calm down before we talk more. And then when I’m ready, I go to talk to him; I don’t wait for him to talk to me.
• Wait for a better time – but communicate through it. Sometimes you’re both ready to fight, but it’s not a good time. You’re at or on your way to a social event; you’re on your way to work; you have your kids around. It might be more pressing to make some time alone to deal with the problem, but it might also be good to put the fight on pause until a better time. Just resolve to talk about it when you’re back together.
• Get out your anger – in a healthy way. Sometimes you are just MAD, and you need to get through it to think clearly. That’s when I take a walk or exercise, pray, talk to others, etc. You probably have your own way of dealing with the anger. If it keeps you from being outright hostile, do it. But remember step one – communicate it.
• Let them know what they did to hurt you – without accusing, as much as possible. In some cases, my husband just flat doesn’t know why I’m upset. It makes me want to give him the cold shoulder until he figures it out – which is a no-no! It’s not fair for me to punish him in that way until he “gets it”. It also doesn’t help to flat-out accuse him, like saying, “You purposefully said that to hurt me!” Instead, I try to share with him in this way – “when you ________, it makes/made me feel _________.”

Green Lights

• Get help. Meeting with a trusted couple can bring in outside perspective. It’s humbling to take your problems before others, but it does help to keep from going in circles or fighting unfairly or in a hostile way.
• Talk about it. Again, I’m the type that wants to be passive-aggressive. I can even bite my lip “in the name of submission,” but never communicate the problem, and stay bitter. (That’s not really submission, by the way!) Both are unfair to my husband. Talk about it! You don’t have to shy away from the problems in your marriage.
• Do get resolved. Maybe you have to keep fighting until you do. I’m not saying that it should go on forever. But you don’t have to walk away still feeling things just to smooth it over. It’s especially hard not to do this in the “honeymoon stage”. Be clear about the problem and the solution.
• Choose humility. Oooh, I hate it, but sometimes I have to be the first to apologize. Or I have to resolve to change something. And sometimes I fight it as long as possible. Choose to take the humble route with each other – or to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”, as it says in Ephesians 5:21.

More helpful scriptures? “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with all people” (Romans 12:18), “bear with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2), and “do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26).

What else can you think of that helps you to fight fairly – in marriage or any relationship? What are some trouble spots?