A little over a year ago, we made the decision for me to stay home with my oldest. It’s a surprisingly hard choice with a lot of factors (that’s a blog post for another time). But one of the factors I took into serious consideration was the fact that I am a socially anxious mom. For me, it takes an intentional, continued effort to be social with other moms. And that’s not really my forte.
Even now, it is so much easier for me as a stay-at-home mom to literally stay at home every day. I have all the excuses: I’m exhausted (and pregnant), I have too much stuff to do around the house, it’s raining. I can scurry to the grocery store, visit the self-checkout line, and never have to interact with another person all day.
Why does this happen? I’m scared. I can be so worried about looking stupid in front of other people, or them judging me, that I avoid social situations altogether. It makes me hesitate to talk too much or introduce myself. At events, I can tense up and keep to myself.
But let’s be real – I need that time so much. Time with other moms keeps me sane. It gives me a chance to swap stories and advice, and helps me to stay functioning socially. And then it is always good for my little guy to learn how to share, react, recover, and interact with other kids. I don’t want him to face the anxiety I can feel.
Play dates and similar activities with other moms and kids can be straight-up intimidating for me, especially if there are a lot of people. So I’m learning practical ways to manage my fears, and sharing them with you today, just in case I’m not the only mama with social anxiety out there! Here are some tips for play dates and the socially anxious mom:
1. Practice with “safe” friends. There are some friends who know you so well, that you feel more at ease spending time with. It gives me a chance to interact without feeling the pressure of talking with someone new, or someone I don’t know very well. I try to get time with at least one of these friends a week.
2. Set up specific times and activities. It’s very easy for me to back out of generic “let’s hang out” times. But when I set a date to go to a story time, or a weekly group meet-up at a certain time, I’m more likely to be there.
3. Prepare yourself ahead of time. It helps me to know whom to expect at the activity, and what we’ll be doing. It also helps to get my mind ready to be there. For me, this means prayer. I pray to be confident, outward-focused, and present in that social situation. I find that it really does help me to let go of some of my fears.
4. Ask questions. I don’t love having all eyes on me in a conversation, even with only one other person. So I like to ask a lot of questions, and jump in where I can.
5. Take a minute with your child. Sometimes when I need a minute, it’s a good time for a snack, a diaper check, or a change of activity. Usually, things happen naturally too – an interaction from kid to kid doesn’t go well, my little guy wants to explore a different part of the park, etc. It’s a good chance to recharge and get back in the moment with other moms when you’re ready.
6. Team up. It is so hard to start talking to someone I don’t know! Luckily, kids make for good conversation starters. It’s easy for me to break the ice when we’re talking about our kids first. Or team up with a friend to introduce yourselves to someone new together.
The tendency I have to fight? Sticking with my little guy the whole time and avoiding other moms. And then sometimes it’s the other way around – he wants to go off and do his own thing, and I spend more of my time chasing him (when I’d prefer to hang with the mamas). It’s not easy! I’m always grateful when a mama comes to talk to me when I’m in that situation.
Do you struggle with social anxiety? What helps you?
Leave a Reply