If you’ve lived life for any amount of time, you know that life is a roller coaster.
It’s full of seasons and transitions, ups and downs. One of the wonderful and challenging parts of marriage is that you don’t have to go through those moments in life alone.
It means going through it all with your best friend, together.
But it also means that your thoughts and opinions and feelings aren’t the only ones that matter. That there are someone else’s experiences and perspectives and feelings and expectations to consider.
How do you handle going through big changes mutually instead of independently?
I have to confess: even simple situations like road trips can find me cranky, anxious, and instigating some kind of squabble before the time is up. (Like over parking, being late, directions, child care – you name it.)
So you can imagine all the twists and turns and the emotions that fly in a huge change, like moving across the country. Lots of emotions. Lots of hurt feelings.
There isn’t any way to deal with transition perfectly – alone or together.
But after going through it with some trial and error, here are some things that help.
Set your priorities as a couple.
In making a big decision, priorities are important. What are you hoping will happen? What do you care about the most?
This conversation was a game-changer in our decision to move. Prior to that, we both had our own reasons for wanting to move, and our assumptions about what the other person wanted. This talk put us on the same playing field, with speculation out of the way.
Set your intentions and express your hopes ahead of time, to cut back on assumptions.
Don’t forget to physically touch.
Hold hands. Give hugs. Put your hand on their shoulder.
This time is stressful, it wears on you, and a small touch, a moment of connection, means a lot. It’s something so simple, intentional and necessary, yet we forget we need it. It makes you feel leaps and bounds more close to each other when you do.
Remember you’re on the same team.
Everything can feel like an attack on you when everything is all up in the air. Your spouse, as the closest one to you, is the most likely to get hit by the whiplash.
Don’t forget that you’re working together, that you want the same things overall, and that you have similar interests at heart.
Even when it’s easier to take offense or get defensive. Take a deep breath and pause before you react.
Make date nights happen.
Date nights matter! It’s a chance to get away from the typical routine and sights and set special time to focus on each other.
It may not seem like a priority when life is moving fast. But some of our best conversations happened on these nights. They are some of my favorite memories from before our move.
Discuss expectations and walk through the plan (multiple times).
There’s a lot of parts in motion, and you both likely have your own plans of attack. Make sure you are both on the same page as far as your to-do lists and schedules.
Case in point – we had movers coming in to pack up our stuff and get it out of the house. In my mind, that translated to, “we don’t need to touch anything, they’ll get it.” On the other hand, my husband felt like we could at least start organizing things and boxing up what we could.
Cue the gritted teeth and red face (all mine) when our expectations clashed. It was a case of miscommunication and inferences, but it set me back a bit. I felt frustrated over it, and it could have been avoided by asking questions and talking about it, on both sides.
Encourage each other.
Take time to notice and compliment each other. It can be a frustrating time, dealing with big changes or challenges, and sometimes criticism can bubble up to the surface first. Remember to pay attention to all the effort your spouse is giving, and let them know you see and support them.
Pray together.
This somehow combines all of the above. It’s putting your heart out there for your spouse to hear, and presenting your hopes and goals for this time to God.
God will always work for our good, but he loves to hear our hearts and dives in to grant us what we desire if it’s good for us.
And it makes a difference, hearing what your spouse has to say. It’s vulnerable and often makes you feel closer by the end.
Pray independently for your marriage.
Maybe this is an obvious thing for you, but for me, it felt monumental.
Oh yeah! I can pray for my marriage.
Pray for your heart towards your husband. Pray for you to make decisions together and not to let insecurities or assumptions get in the way.
How about you?
What tips do you have for staying strong with your spouse when change and transition threaten to pull you apart?
See also: why I wish I had been a little less prepared for our move.
Photo 1 by Josh Edgoose on Unsplash
Photo 3 by Joshua Ness on Unsplash
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