is it okay to say “no” as a Christian?

Here’s a question for you: is it okay for you to say no as a Christian?

Really think about your answer. I’ll wait.

Okay, so on the one hand – the answer should be “of course,” right? Freedom in Christ. But on the other hand – deny yourself. Which wins?

Lots of responses still come in to a post written years ago, 10 Bible Verses on Self-Care.

Most of them include something that makes my heart hurt: that people feel guilty and anxious to say “no” as a Christian. 

It hurts because that feeling hits home all too much. I so relate. 

And it hurts because I just don’t believe this is God’s plan for us – spreading ourselves thin and saying yes to every person and opportunity and need that comes along. OR feeling guilty about saying no.

Matthew 5:37 doesn’t just say, “let your yes be yes,” and end it with that. It also says, “let your no be no.”

There is a time and a place for both yes and no.

It’s simple – and it isn’t.

Time for a study. But please note – this is my own study and scriptures I believe relate. Hopefully it will help you direct you to some scriptures in your personal study (not make up your mind for you). 

Also this post contains affiliate links – read legal info here. 

This is NOT a post to tell you whether your personal “yes” or “no” is right or wrong.

A friend asked you to babysit? Should you agree to that commitment or promotion? More ushers are needed for Sunday service? Requested to take on more responsibility at work? To address all of our “yes” and “no” opportunities would take forever.

Every situation is different, and every person has their own limits for how much they can give or need to preserve. (Two good books to help are The Best Yes and The Next Right Thing.) 

No, this post is to confront the concept that we should always say “yes”, and ought to feel guilty or ashamed to say “no” as a Christian. This thinking is all too popular in our society, both at church and in the world. 

First of all, it begins and ends with love. 

1 Corinthians 13 can act as such a guide for us. We can do any amount of good deeds, but we can easily act without love, which leaves them hollow.

Sometimes accepting and signing on for something is the most loving thing you can do for God or others.

But here’s the thing – sometimes it’s not. 

There is so much more to it than, “I love you, so I’ll do whatever, whenever. You ask, I’m there. Sign me up. I’m on board.” 

It has to do with cultivating love. First for God, by being in tune with him, and taking care of spiritual needs.

Second for others, by knowing them, understanding them, listening to them, having compassion, and discerning what’s best.

And also having compassion with myself, knowing myself well enough to give more, or to say no when it isn’t beneficial. 

There are definitely Bible verses out there that support a whole lot of sacrifice and yes.

To walk an extra mile with someone who asks you, to give not just your tunic but your shirt as well, to give as much as you have the capacity to give, and to work as if working for the Lord. (Matthew 5:38-42 and Colossians 3:23.) 

Those verses call us higher, because in our sinful natures, we would rather just focus on our own needs. (I’m not the only one, right?)

These verses help me to think outward much more than I naturally would. In so many cases, I have been given a lot, and therefore I can offer a lot.

But. 

But living life without boundaries leaves us weak.

Like city with a broken down wall, we can leave ourselves open to attack when we have no self-control (Proverbs 25:28).

There’s a few reasons why boundaries are appropriate and necessary.

God himself has boundaries with us.

God doesn’t say “yes” to all of our requests. Even the things that we think will bring good. Jesus is an example of this – he begged God to take away the cross, and still went to the cross. Fortunately God has bigger perspective than we do. But we trust he prioritizes our good, and I believe we can seek out the good in our decisions, too. 

He also sets limits in our relationship with him, things he will and won’t have anything to do with. Isaiah 59 talks about how our sin separates us from him. Psalm 66:18 says that when we cherish sin, it hinders our prayers to God. We should definitely set limits when it comes to compromising in sin.

Finally, he lets us make our own choices, which includes letting us make our own mistakes. He allows us to face consequences and discipline, because like a good parent, he wants to see us grow to our full potential. See Hebrews 12:11 – it’s not fun, but produces great fruit in us.

It allows someone else a chance to serve.

Being the person who always says yes means that people get used to you being the person who always says yes. Even if it’s innocent and unintentional, people can come to expect and depend on your yes. 

Sometimes to say no as a Christian means someone else has an opportunity to step up and take care of a need.

And who knows? You might be giving someone the opportunity they were looking for to give and serve. Or the one they weren’t looking for – but it actually ends up doing good for their heart and soul. 

The scripture 1 Corinthians 3:6 speaks to this some. Paul did not want people attributing their baptism to him or anyone else, because we each play our own parts. And God is the one who makes it all grow.

It leaves room for God to work.

Let me be very real for a minute: I can enjoy saying yes to everyone and everything. Why? Because it makes me feel useful and important and proud of myself. Dare I say – it almost makes me feel a little God-like. Or at least like I’m more in control. (The proud person has no thought for God, according to Psalm 10:4.)

But I cannot be God. I’m not all-knowing or all-capable. I can’t change people. I can’t do everything. 

Sometimes God works powerfully through me. But sometimes his glory shines even more when I get out of the way. Back to 1 Corinthians 3:6 – God makes things grow, not any one person.

It gives much needed space to cultivate important things in your life.

I love the passage where Jesus notices his disciples need some rest, and plans to take them away for that time. Even Jesus himself slips away early in the morning for time with God, time that wasn’t put toward other people. 

It’s so important to me to take care of the things in my life God has given me to take care of. My mental and emotional and physical health, my family, my talents, my friends. He wants me to be concerned for my neighbor too, which, hey! Includes everyone.

But not all of these things and people at once. It’s not possible. And that’s okay. It was okay for Jesus. It’s okay for me.

Disclaimer: these very reasons to say “no” can also become excuses to be selfish.

Everything in moderation, friends. That’s why God cares about our hearts instead of just our actions. (I for one am grateful he’s not up there chronicling everything I do on some big abacus to determine my value.)

So how do we know?

How do we determine the best yes and no for us in any given situation? Again, every person and situation is different, but some things that help:

• Set your priorities – including God and the people in your life – as well the goals that are most important in life or just this season.
• Consistently be in your Word and in prayer to seek after God’s perspective.
• Don’t necessarily answer yes or no right away – pray and seek advice, if you have the chance.

Finally, don’t take my word for it.

My word isn’t the final word. Please, please study it out for yourselves. This is just where my study of scriptures has landed me, as well as what I’ve experienced in my own life. 

How about you? What scriptures help you determine what is best when asked for help or to give? 

Photo by Ravi Roshan on Unsplash