Back in high school and college, I was a theatre nerd. (Okay, I kind of still am.) I loved the camaraderie backstage, the rehearsals, painting sets, singing show tunes, directing scenes. And I was addicted to performing.
But during the school day, I was the quiet, introverted kid. People were shocked to hear I was in the cast of school plays because most of them didn’t even hear me talk on a normal basis. But being on stage meant I could pretend to be someone else, which gave me all the confidence I needed. It was the stress I felt about everyday things, like being called on in class, having to search for a lab partner, or being sent to give a speech at the front of the class, that kept me quiet normally.
What I’ve come to realize is that I struggle with social anxiety – a fear of making mistakes or being humiliated in front of others, to the point of shaking or having panic attacks, or avoiding social activities all together. While there are those that suffer with it to a much more serious degree, I’ve felt it keenly as I’ve grown up, even as an adult.
I’m learning a lot about it, and how I can better prepare myself for situations where I feel anxious. There are certain strategies that help me feel more confident, and less focused on what could go wrong. To help put it in context, I’m sharing some of the things that make me most nervous! Here are 6 things that people with social anxiety hate, and how to deal with them:
1. Crowds. With people around at all sides, squeezing by, stopping short, calling to each other – it can feel totally claustrophobic. I felt this way at the mall right before Christmas, to the point of almost having a panic attack.
How to deal: Find a calm place to sit and escape for a bit. If you’re with someone, explain that you’re feeling overwhelmed, and ask for help finding a quiet place.
2. Starting the conversation. Especially if it’s someone new, but even with old friends. It can feel like a tremendous amount of pressure just to say hi. How will this person react? What if I say something stupid?
How to deal: Bring someone with you. If you see that someone else has already met or knows them, ask them to introduce you. To get the conversation going, comment on something they are wearing or something neutral, like the weather.
3. Small talk. Even if it’s not going into detail, talking about myself can be terrifying because I feel like I’ll say something embarrassing, or reveal something that makes people dislike me.
How to deal: Ask lots of questions. Usually for me, something will click once we get to a topic I feel confident about, and it’s more easy to talk.
4. Phone calls. Maybe it’s the small talk, but calling people is something I avoid like the plague. Once I get into it, I’m fine; but it just makes me anxious, even if it’s someone I know well.
How to deal: Set up a specific time to talk, so you are prepared. Think of questions you want to ask the other person, and things you want to catch them up on in your own life.
5. Eye contact. If I don’t look you in the eye, it’s not because I’m lying or because I don’t care. It’s because eye contact just freaks me out.
How to deal: Practice! It’s easier for me to look into the person’s eyes when I’m listening to them; that might work better for you.
6. All eyes on you. We all have those moments – when someone calls attention to you in front of a group (even in a positive way), when someone’s planned a surprise party for you, when someone asks a question and many pairs of eyes watch waiting for a response. It’s totally normal, but can make me feel like a deer in headlights.
How to deal: Focus on one person at a time. Again, ask a question to turn the attention off of you, or change the topic.
7. Unexpected company. When people show up earlier than I expect, or there’s more or less people at a function than I expect, I want to hide. It’s easier for me when I know what’s coming.
How to deal: Ask lots of questions! Ask the host what or whom to expect if it’s not your event. Confirm with your company if they’re still coming and when. If it’s people who come over regularly, let them know to send you a text if they’re on their way.
With any situation, it always, always helps me to pray before I go into them. Putting my fears before God, and entrusting the worries I have to him helps me feel more ready to go into social situations.
If you deal with social anxiety, what are some things that stress you out, and how do you deal with them? If not, how can you help someone who has social anxiety?
Jordan has some social anxiety issues, and I recognize a lot of these. I have tried to learn to be better about being sensitive to him, because I’m extroverted and love crowds and conversations 🙂
I can imagine! I get frustrated with myself for it all not being easier. It’s always nice to have someone in my life who knows and cares and tries to help 🙂 Especially my spouse!
LOVE THIS, JENN! You’re going to change the world with your blog. 🙂
You are the best ever dot com, Juju 🙂
Using names is one of mine. I find using people’s names to be awkward, but I’m not sure why. Some of it starts with trying to remember them, and then you go without for a while (for fear of not remembering) and then after a bit, using their name is awkward all together.
So true! Some of the most charismatic people I know constantly use people’s names, which I respect, but I do feel odd about using it later. And if it’s someone I don’t know well, I get SO worried I’m calling them the wrong name – so then I don’t say it at all and they think I don’t know at all! It’s a horrible cycle.
These are great tips! I am the worst when it comes to starting a conversation… It’s always been tough for me!
It feels like so much pressure, right?? Ugh. Asking lots of questions always helps me 🙂
I used to hate making phone calls, I wouldn’t even call for pizza I hated it so much. Not sure when it changed but now I take that phone and get it done! : )
SAME HERE! My hubby would ask me to make a phone call, and I’d be like, “Do I have to?” 🙂
I totally relate to a lot of these and know so many other people do too! It’s great to be able to pinpoint them and find ways to deal with them (since sometimes they’re unavoidable). Love your tips!
I’m so glad to not be the only one! I’m definitely learning how to deal as I go – sometimes you just have to go through the awkwardness to know what to do next time.
100% yes to all of this. It all makes my anxiety go through the roof! I can’t take it. I can’t start conversations. Unexpected company is the worst and is physically and emotionally draining on me – even more so if the person is particularly needy.
So glad you relate! I think I have to remember that sometimes people feel the same way I do – it might make it easier to start the conversation. And it makes my skin crawl when people show up at a different time than I expect – I don’t know why!!
What a great post! When it comes to small talk asking questions is so important. I always ask open-ended questions about the other person, because it seems like people love to talk about themselves in new situations!
That is so very true! It keeps the attention off of me, which makes me happy, and I genuinely enjoy learning something new about someone.
Amen and amen! Although, I’m huge on eye contact – so maybe I’m just weird there, lol. It may be from all of my years in dance and dance competitions. Loved this post!
It’s definitely not weird – I just wish I was better at it! It’s funny because I was a theatre nerd growing up – you’d think I’d have eye contact down 😉
It’s so great that you’re brining attention to this! This was something I really struggled with for a while, and these are really great tips. It’s so important to acknowledge this issue!
Thanks so much! I’m always so glad to find people who relate. In my insecurity, I tend to think I’m the only one 🙂
I’m fairly certain I am your evil twin but anyway… I developed most of these coping mechanisms as well. I would add to the list having “safety people” when possible at big events. Someone who you have found to be easy to talk to in the past or at the very least accepting of your akward non-socializing. Another option is to find the other equally uncomfortable individuals and begin a conversation by expressing your discomfort. You immediately have something in common but you do have to make sure that conversation doesn’t turn into a pitty party.
well I tried to fix the misspelling but it was already loading, sorry!
You’re probably my twin, but not an evil one!! I like the “safety people” concept, although I feel like I can run away from conversations to be with them, which may not help in the moment. Good point on the pity party too – ha ha, I just want to be around people who are miserable like me! 🙂
I can relate so much to this post! Especially the unexpected guests arriving earlier. That is the worst. I have no idea what to say or do to “entertain” them. I struggle with pretty much all of these but what I am working on this year is confidence since most of these problems occur because of a lack of confidence. Thanks for sharing!
So true, I am constantly trying to attack my insecurity! I feel like there’s all kinds of things I “should” do, when really I just need to relax and welcome them in 🙂
So very true! Living with anxiety is so difficult, but so is living with someone living with anxiety. These are helpful tips!
So true. I think it’s helpful to be able to see from their perspective and know how to help, too!
I have the worst social anxiety! Thank you for your suggestions. All of the situations you mentioned are the worst for me.
I’m so glad someone relates! I always feel worried I’m the only one – isn’t that ridiculous?
It’s funny I never thought of myself to have “social anxiety” but I must because I found myself nodding yes! to most of those ;-}…
It wasn’t something I realized until recently. It’s definitely not to the point that some people experience it, but I just couldn’t understand why simple things made me so anxious!