never alone but lonely: overcoming mom loneliness

Get ready to see me at my most chic and glamorous as a sweaty, goofy camp counselor about ten (TEN?) years ago…

Yes, we’re holding orange road cones. See that other goofy face in there? That’s Gina, who is now a blogger at Holding the Distaff, and also a wife and mom. I’m so grateful that we’ve gotten to be in touch lately and continue our friendship that started in that rickety old cabin all those years ago.

Today, she is guest posting all about one of those things that all moms can relate to, but we don’t often talk about or deal with. Gina is an excellent writer, but the best part is how she shares so personally; you can connect with her so easily. I know you’ll love this post! Enjoy!

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Nearly three years ago I was sitting outside on a hot and humid Midwest summer day. My four-year-old and two-year-old boys were gleefully riding their bikes after splashing around in the kiddie pool, while I was trying to keep myself and my cranky four-month-old daughter cool.

I was hating life just then.

As a mom of littles, especially if you stay at home, you’re never, ever alone.  Even when the kids are sleeping you’re on high alert, and if you’re breastfeeding—well, your own body is a constant reminder of your lack of independence.

And yet, it is a very lonely occupation.

The heat was melting away my rational thought.  “I can’t do this anymore,” I repeated to myself, referring to nothing and everything. “I just can’t. I quit!” I dreamily wondered if I could run away for a little while.

And then I did the really mature thing. I got on Facebook and whined about my life.

A friend noticed and called me. She had been my closest friend in town but had just moved away several weeks before. When she asked what was wrong, I started crying. I missed her. I was miserably hot, even in the air-conditioned basement. My kids were so needy all of the time. I felt so alone.

I know we all have days like that. It’s part of the motherhood thing. But at that point in time I was having a solid breakdown like this about once a week. I’m sure part of it was because of postpartum hormones and lack of sleep. But I think somewhere inside, I knew that something had to change if I was going to survive the next two decades of parenthood.

My oldest son is now almost seven and I have been a stay-at-home/work-at-home mom for nearly six years. I’ve spent a lot of that time never alone but often lonely. My husband and I have always been close and I have had a lot of family support, but even so, I was craving something else. I needed soul sisters.

A couple of weeks ago someone caught me off guard with a question: “How are you feeling about your friendships, Gina?” And for the first time in a long time, my heart fell full and happy when I pondered the thought.

I’m not lonely anymore.

What changed?

Several realizations in the last couple of years have helped me cultivate the meaningful, life-giving friendships that I believe every young mom needs. While each of us has different circumstances, I think these principles can help anyone.

1. Great friendships take time.

I moved across the country about six years ago, when my oldest son was a year old and I was pregnant with my second. I had to start building my relationships from scratch. If you’re a transplant like me, or if your old friends have moved away, just know that you have to be patient. In this stage of life when we’re consumed with our families’ needs most of the time, I estimate that it takes at least a year or two (or more) to establish a truly deep connection.

2. Great friendships take consistency.

Do you ever have someone you really connect with, but then you don’t see them for six months? When you reconnect, you enjoy being together but you don’t even know where to begin. You’ve missed out on each other’s everyday lives, the bulk of your existence. I’ve found that my closest friends are the ones I’ve connected with at least a couple of times a month—weekly, if possible. I like to set up weekly coffee dates. We don’t always make it, but it’s important to at least try.

3. Have an inner and an outer circle.

In the gospels, Jesus had three disciples who got extra attention in a kind of “inner circle”—Peter, James and John. They were the witnesses of the transfiguration  (Matthew 17:1) and also the ones who exclusively got to pray with him during his last hours before the crucifixion (Matthew 26:37). Then there were nine more disciples in his “outer circle” and beyond that were quite a few other loosely associated relationships. Why did he do that?

As a human being during his time on earth, I think Jesus knew what his relationship needs were and set an example for the rest of us. I’m an introvert, okay? Whenever I go to large gatherings like mom groups, I can feel overwhelmed and not really connect with anyone. I’ve found I do much better when I have two to three friends whom I can connect with regularly. I met pretty consistently with the same two women for coffee every week for two years and it was so good for my soul.

As for the “outer circle,” I think it’s also important to have a group of people who are close but maybe you don’t talk to as often one-on-one. I think my small group at church, which consists of five families, meets that need. We know each other well and are there for each other, but maybe don’t know each other as intimately as our closest relationships do. Beyond that I have other loosely associated friends.

A couple of months ago, one of my friends in the “inner circle” moved away. While I was heartbroken and still miss her terribly, it did not shatter my world like the last time a friend moved. I had enough depth in my circle of friends that I did not feel alone.

4. Great friendships require openness and vulnerability.

I often feel like I have to present myself like I have my act together—sometimes I even fool myself! But it’s such a hindrance to deep friendship. My best friends are the ones who have seen me at my worst. We even disagree sometimes but that’s okay because that honesty brings closeness—and forgiveness.

5. Get away from your kids.

Playdates are great, don’t get me wrong. Occasionally I get together with a friend who has four kids, and that makes seven kids between us. It is fun but it is so hard to have an uninterrupted conversation. When we can, we try to get together alone, and we are always astounded by the peacefulness of it. We are also able to talk about more things alone in an hour than we would have been able to do over multiple playdates.

6. Great friends can be very different from one another.

I go to a small church, and for a time I was the only stay-at-home mom who went there. I had peer friends outside of church, but I still longed to connect with them within my church family. They didn’t exist. I thus determined to reach out to my peers and pull them into my church—which eventually proved fruitful—but I was missing out on some great friendships within my fellowship that were already available!

My BFF doesn’t have to be a 32-year-old who stays at home with three young kids. I’ve been able to build some very meaningful friendships with women who are older as well as with women who are younger. My older friends have so much wisdom to share! My younger friends are so cool! These types of friends also tend to be a lot more flexible because they don’t have to haul little kids around. In fact, they (or their teenage kids) can even babysit! See the older-younger woman dynamic in Titus 2:6–8.

7. Praying helps. A lot.

About a year after the hot weather incident at the beginning of this post, I was talking to a family member about how I was lacking in the friendship department. She said, “I’ll be praying about that for you.” And I was completely convicted because I had not been praying about it for myself. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that things started getting a lot better after that.

8. Social media and texting are not the real deal.

I’ll tell you a secret about your phone. Did you know that you can talk on it using your voice and not your fingers? I think we harm our relationships when we get sucked into the texting/Facebook vortex. Have you ever felt refreshed after being on Facebook for an hour? What about after talking for twenty minutes with someone who cares about you? Point made.

I’ve been making an effort to talk more over the phone, especially during these winter months when we’re stuck at home more often. I am amazed at what a difference it makes.

9. You have to put yourself out there.

Maybe you’re the type of person that people flock to because you are just that awesome when you walk into a room. But I’m not a naturally friendly person. Yet I choose to be friendly and talk to the people I meet because I care. I need friends and so do they. I know that there are a lot of moms out there who are just like me. Never alone but lonely. And it doesn’t have to be that way.

How are you feeling about your friendships, mamas? Are you never alone but lonely? What do you think you can do to help change that?

Happily married, mom of three (plus one in the adoption process), writer/editor, disciple of Jesus, homeschooler, messy non-gourmet chef, recovering perfectionist, coffee connoisseur, lazy fitness enthusiast, arts and crafts impaired. Join me on my journey of finding inspiration in the messy life we all encounter every day.  Read More…