The mama bear syndrome is REAL, guys. Saturday at the museum, I almost let it loose on some bigger kids.
My oldest, who’s three, was playing in a train exhibit. A pair of older twins came in, and there are really only two stations inside this exhibit. One of them walked up to my son.
“Can you move? I want to play here.” He said impatiently.
I was proud of my little guy, who looked at him a little confused, but held his ground. “I’m playing here.” Eventually, though, the older boy inched his way in, and my guy inched his way out. Ooh – times like these make me see red.
But my kid was fine. He made it of the exhibit and into a new one. And while my mom guilt and irritation flared up a bit, ultimately, he wasn’t harmed by the situation.
There are things I am so quick to want to rush in and rescue my kids from. I mean before a situation even escalates to someone getting hurt, or tantrums letting loose. My protective instincts kick in, and I try to save my kids before they even need saving. Sometimes from situations that they can and should figure out on their own. Or ones we can work through together.
Ever get that feeling? Isn’t it just stressful? Let me give you the freedom to say no to stepping in on your kids’ behalf once in a while. I’m not talking about when someone is bullying them, or just ditching them for hours to figure out everything on their own. But there are solid life lessons for them to learn that we can give them more opportunities to experience by waiting and watching first.
Conflict
Like I said, it burns me when older kids pick on my kids, or even when they’re just too close or pressuring them. And obviously it can escalate to a point where you need to say something. But I do want them (more so my oldest right now, less my one-year-old) to be able to express themselves clearly, and stand up for themselves even when I’m not around.
Some phrases that are helpful for us are, “I need space,” or “your turn next”. These seem to address the issues we come across the most.
Boredom
Ever feel like it’s your responsibility to make sure your child always has something to do? I do. If it seems like boredom is setting in, even for a minute, not only do I feel an obligation to fix it, but I get anxious too. Or sometimes, TV it is.
Here’s something that’s hard to take in: it’s okay for them to be bored. I remember growing up driving hours between two different states to visit family. Not a lot of options for things to do while you’re driving. And I survived. I learned how to keep myself entertained on those trips (without a DVD player), and now driving – or even just waiting – is not so bad.
Missing Out
Why do I always feel like I have to make sure my kids gets everything the other kids do – whether they notice or not? At a Thomas the Train event a year ago, they had a scavenger hunt, where you would earn a prize at the end if you collected all the stamps. And let me tell you – I made it my mission for my kid to get all the stamps so he got that prize, darn it. I even knew I was irrationally obsessing over this. At the end, it was a set of three rubber bracelets – that we ended up throwing away.
All that to say, I’m lucky for my kid to be at an age where he neither notices or cares if he doesn’t get a goody bag or wins a contest. I don’t have to intervene to make sure he gets something he doesn’t really need or want at the end of the day.
Disappointment
Ooh, this is a hard one. I don’t have to protect my kid from every disappointment. Like the time when he doesn’t win, and does notice. Or when he doesn’t earn his dessert, due to the terms we set for him prior (such as, “you have to eat all your vegetables first”). Or when he can’t play with something someone else is playing with. It’s all I can do to not buy him something to make him happy, let him win, cater to him.
It feels like it’s my mission to keep my kids happy. But my actual mission is preparing them for real life. And stopping them from experiencing it, even the bad or sad things, means I’m not getting them ready for what real life is going to be like. And then reality will hit hard someday, which will be much worse.
There are plenty of things to protect our kids from – strangers and dangers that they never have to experience if we stay alert. So to me, it’s a little freeing to know there are some things I don’t have to watch so closely and protect so fiercely.
Do you relate to this? What’s something that makes Mama Bear come out? Do you have any advice for stepping back in these situations, or similar ones?
I struggle with being too quick to try to please the other person—if a kid wanted to play where Aiden was playing, i’d probably be like SURE COME ON OVER and whisk Aiden to another space and remind him we don’t own that area so it can be someone else’s turn. Basicallyyyyy I’m a pushover and I need to stand up for Aiden’s turn more (or teach him to stand up for himself, actually hahah.)