There are a lot of different conversations that go on in our marriage.
There’s the football-style, working-out-a-game-plan conversation. So, you’ll pick the kids up, I’ll run out and grab a salad, and we’ll meet at our friends’ house?
There’s the how’s-your-day conversation. (Usually just the highlights. Or low-lights? Is that a thing?) I’m okay, got a lot done today, fighting off a cold, how you doing?
And then, maybe less often, but so important: a good, sit-down, deep talk, with what’s going on in our hearts and personal lives.
We talk a lot, out of necessity or overflow of the heart. And sometimes the talking can help – or hurt.
Have you ever noticed how much the Bible talks about talking? What comes out of our mouths (and hearts) is important. God takes it seriously.
And it affects our relationships. Especially our marriages. Our spouses can be built up or torn down by our words, both to them and concerning them, and the Bible speaks to this specifically.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” – Ephesians 4:29 NIV
What are some of the most hurtful words in marriage?
Since this blog is geared toward women, and many of you are working towards being godly wives, I’m focusing on verses for the ladies. (Many of them apply to both spouses, though.)
Nagging.
“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.” – Proverbs 21:19 NIV
In Hebrew: “Nagging” as used here means “vexing” or “vexation”, which in turn means causing annoyance, frustration or worry.
Other versions say: complaining (NLT), fretful (ESV; means expressing distress or irritation), or petulant (Message; means childishly sulky or bad-tempered)
It comes out as: Constant pestering, hounding, complaining or questioning
Disrespectful.
“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:4 NIV
In Hebrew: “Disgraceful” as used here means “who causes shame”; “disgraceful” in English means bringing dishonor or disrespect.
Other versions say: shameless (CEV) – most use the terms “disgraceful” or “causing shame”
It comes out as: Sass or rudeness, condescension, sarcasm, calling out publicly, or accusing
Complaining.
“Do everything without grumbling or arguing.” – Philippians 2:14
In Greek: “Grumbling” means “a muttering” or “a murmering”.
Other versions say: complaining (NLT), murmurings (ASV)
It comes out as: Annoyed or irritated outbursts or talking to one’s self
Angry.
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” – James 1:19-20 NIV
In Greek: “Anger” means “impulse” or “wrath”.
Other versions say: wrath (ASV and KJV)
It comes out as: Lashing out, yelling, tone of voice
Argumentative.
“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” – Proverbs 21:9 NIV AND Proverbs 25:24 NIV (Yes – written exactly the same in two different chapters.)
“A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.” – Proverbs 27:15-16 NIV
In Hebrew: “Quarrelsome” in all three of these verses means “with strife” or “with contention”.
Other versions say: contentious (KJV), nagging (CEV)
It comes out as: fighting words, picking a fight, hostility
Dishonest.
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” – Ephesians 4:25 NIV
In Greek: “Falsehood” here means “untruth” or “lie”.
Other versions say: “Stop telling lies” (NLT)
It comes out as: Not being honest about feelings or opinions, deliberately misleading, “white lies”
Where do hurtful words come from?
Often for me, hurtful words come from an unexpected place: fear. Fear that:
My husband doesn’t hear me (or want to hear me); my opinion doesn’t matter.
I won’t be considered, and a choice will be made that I don’t agree with.
I will be hurt.
Conflict will happen.
I’m losing control (or whatever control I think I have).
Sometimes it is just downright crankiness or lack of perspective.
What helps change our words from hurtful to helpful?
If there are hurtful words in marriage are abounding, don’t give up! There are three types of words that can help turn things around.
Loving.
One of our favorite scriptures, even back in our early marriage days, is 1 Corinthians 8:1 NIV: “Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.” When either one of us refuses to back down or consider the other person, it tears the other one down.
How? Adoration, esteem, encouragement, kindness, speaking the truth in love (without accusation)
Humble.
Another great verse is Philippians 2:3 NIV: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves.” Our plans and decisions and goals work out so much better when we consider each other, which sometimes means stepping down.
How? Consideration, seeking to understand, being slow to defend or argue
Thankful.
Finally, “rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV).
How? Notice, appreciation, drawing attention to, talking them up to other people
Before you ask…
YES, husbands as well as wives need to be loving, humble, and thankful. They also are called to consider each other, and even to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21).
But if you’re here, you are obviously looking for ways that you can contribute to your relationship. Let’s not use these verses to point fingers, but to better grow ourselves.
And also – it seems that God knew we as wives needed some extra input in this area. Note how some of those verses apply specifically to wives. (Also Ephesians 5:22 reiterates submission on the wife’s part.) I know that in our marriage, for whatever reason – I am far more likely to be the one who to give into fear faster than my husband.
Take it as you will. If the scriptures apply (and they usually do), by all means, apply them.
How about you?
Are there more hurtful words in marriage that you’ve noticed? Where are verses that help you tame the tongue? Which words help you build each other up instead?
Scriptures from Bible Gateway – Scriptures are quoted from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Photo Credit:
1 – Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
2 – Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
4 – taylor hernandez on Unsplash
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