ways to cultivate independence in preschoolers

This is such a sweet and crazy time of life.

Our kids need us so much while they’re young. They hold our hands in parking lots, and they let us rinse the shampoo out of their hair. We add vegetables to their plates and schedule their appointments. We do almost everything for them.

In some ways, I want to do everything for my kids. I don’t want them to lack anything. I want to make any kind of trouble for them disappear.

But then again, there are things I want even more for them.

I want my kids to be able to take care of themselves. I want them to be self-aware, and to be able to make good decisions on their own. And I want them to be confident and capable. (It took me so long to feel that way myself.)

Because as much as I can’t stand to think about it, they’re not always going to be so young. They won’t always have me close by to solve the problems.

It feels like what will serve them best in life is to empower them. So even though I’ll continue to do what I can for them and enjoy this time of life, I’m also looking for ways to develop these things in their lives. Anyone else relate?

Can we help our children learn independence – even at a young age? Yes!

While there are so many reasons and ways they still need us, we can start cultivating their independence now. We can give them opportunities to start thinking and deciding and acting for themselves.

There are a few concessions:

First, we as moms won’t do this perfectly. There will be times we have to rush out the door, and just need to get it done and do things for them. That’s okay.

Second, while we want them to grow in independence, we also are responsible for them. Supervision and knowing your child are key. Go with your instinct (not just what the blogs or Facebook groups say).

Third, it is okay to give your child space and a little bit of a challenge (with the above in mind). I know, I know – it seems counterintuitive or against social norms to say that. But kids are resilient. They can handle more than we give them credit for.

Here are some ways to cultivate independence in preschoolers:

Assign age-appropriate responsibilities.

Someday I will happily hand over the responsibility of cleaning the bathroom. But for now, while they’re small, there are plenty of simpler expectations I can have for my kids.

placing their dishes in the sink
throwing away trash
wiping up spilled liquids
putting away toys
tossing dirty clothes in the hamper
cleaning up one activity before starting another
making (or at least tidying up) their beds
washing their hands

Those are just a few suggestions. Choose as many or as few as seem fitting (and maybe a little bit of a challenge) for your child.

Give them a chance to speak for themselves.

Guilty. I have absolutely stepped in to speak for my kids – usually when answering another person’s question. Sometimes some prompting is helpful, but often they can learn how to express themselves and interact with others when we step back.

I love the idea of modeling this at the dinner table. Asking our kids and each other questions about the day, things they’re thinking and dreaming about, goals, things they maybe could have done better. Here are some question ideas to prompt some conversation:

What was your favorite part of today?
What’s something you learned today that you didn’t know before?
What made you laugh today?
How were you kind to someone today?
What is something you didn’t do so well today? How will you do that differently tomorrow?
What did you dream about last night?
What should we plan for this weekend?

(Also, here are some questions to ask on date night without the kids.)

Let them problem solve.

So many times it seems easier and more expedient for me to just step in and fix the problem. He’s too young to make that call, I think to myself as I tell my little guy to get down from that ridiculously-tall climbing structure at the playground.

But kids will surprise you. Give them a chance to work things out for themselves – and watch them grow more confident, try again after they fail, and enjoy a sweet victory when they reach a new achievement. We can give them space in these areas, for example:

trying new physical things at the playground or outside
handling conflict with another child
fixing or finding something
answering questions

Obviously it’s up to your judgment what is safe for them, and supervision is key. But figure out where you can afford to give a bit more space. (And if you ever have to deal with accidents, there’s a post for that.)

Allow them to decide from a few different options.

Our kids feel a little authority and a sense of autonomy when they can choose for themselves. And it’s a good opportunity for us to put up some boundaries for them that are safe, without taking away those strong feelings.

My youngest shocked me when he went downstairs one morning and “made breakfast”. Of course, it consisted of a yogurt tube, a string cheese, and some peanuts. But he was so proud of himself – and I was so proud of him – for doing it himself.

Where available, you can give them options for:

food
toys
what to do when you have free time
what to wear

Recently we made a large list of activities our kids can do on their own when they’re “bored”. It hangs in our playroom and even though they can’t read yet, the pictures help remind them of what options they have. All of these are things that are easily accessible in our playroom. For us, it includes:

playing a game
coloring
reading
playing with toys
building something
playing with Play-doh

Also to add to the list: “ask what you can help with!” (See responsibilities above.)

Build them up!

Don’t forget to encourage them! Recognize the big and small things, and make sure to build them up when they try and fail (“you tried hard!”) as well as when they succeed. Encourage them to practice and not give up, that failure isn’t fatal.

Also take notice of their characters, skills, and talents. Bond with them, encourage them, and help them have the healthiest view of themselves as possible. (For more on this, check out encouraging affirmations for kids.)