coffee with new moms: anne of in residence

This is the fifth installment of Coffee with New Moms! Please feel free to pass these on to any moms you think might be encouraged by it. It’s been amazing so far.

This week’s post is brought to you by Anne of the blog In Residence. I was drawn to Anne’s blog because I just love all its elements – beautiful pictures, book reviews, fun DIY (or real-life pins from Pinterest) posts, home decor, baby fashion. She probably doesn’t consider herself mainly a style blogger, but her personal style posts are some of my favorite of any blog’s! She is momma to a little red-headed cutie named Hendrik, and in this post, “On Becoming Mom-Me,” she gets so real about being a mom, being yourself, and living authentically – which helps you to survive the “new mom” advice that doesn’t fit, and to own the advice that does. Grab a mug of something warm to drink, and read over Anne’s story.

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I was so pleased when Jenn reached out and asked me to be featured in her new mom series, but then I was stumped about how I could add anything about motherhood to the conversation. Even after nearly two years of it, I still don’t always feel qualified to give advice, and I also am just not someone who’s going to sit down and write a “this is the best job ever” post, much as I enjoyed the other ones in the series – and much as I adore my child and think he’s the smartest, cutest, funniest one on the planet. (Really, he is.)

It’s funny (or not) that some of the same struggles I thought I had dealt with in my early 20s in figuring out “who am I?” came right back into play when I reached 30 and motherhood. Aside from the self-doubts that arise from comparisons to other new moms, there’s the figuring out how to balance your roles (I’m me, and now I’m also a mom), not to mention the figuring out how you’re going to actually do that new role. It took me a while to finally realize, in the process of doing motherhood, that the same thing applies as in figuring out how to do life: just be yourself.

When you’re pregnant you get all manner of unsolicited advice and comments, all well-intended, some more helpful than others, and you start to hear some of the same phrases over and over about what the parenting experience is like or how you should handle it. When my little guy was born, some of them did ring true, but some of them just felt not me at all – and I always felt a little bad about that fact, like I wasn’t living up to the role or doing it right. But now after almost 2 years of motherhood and realizing that my way of parenting and loving my child is the right way for us and doesn’t have to look like someone else’s, I feel pretty fine with keeping the adages that work for us – based on my personality, my parenting style, and our family situation – and throwing out the rest! Here are a few that come to mind:

Your life will never be the same/Kiss your free time goodbye: yes, your life will be irrevocably changed the second you birth a child. But for me, life with kids is still my life. From early on we’ve tried to incorporate Hendrik into the things we love: going out for breakfast, going on vacation, riding along with me on runs and walks. And we still maintain plenty of our own interests and hobbies and couple time too. It might not be possible to do it ALL, but it’s plenty possible to make time for date night or exercise. You just need babysitters and/or a little creativity – like at-home date night with fancy takeout! (And then of course there is the bonus of getting to add on to your life with playtime, the excuse to go to places like the zoo, and more. I love this quote I read in the book All Joy and No Fun – taken slightly out of context, I admit – about living life with little kids: it’s “normal life, but with more pancakes.”)

Sleep when the baby sleeps: this one drove me crazy. Aside from the fact that it’s hard to get much else done in life if you nap whenever the baby does, it just doesn’t suit my type-A, introvert personality at all. So if you need some rest, go right ahead and sleep while that baby does, but if you want to do something else, don’t feel bad about it – sometimes for me some well-placed alone time with a book or a satisfying checkmark on the to do list can give me just as much of a boost as a little more sleep.

The day my child was born was the happiest day of my life/being a mom is the most important job in the world: the most guilt-inducing of all the parenting catchphrases for me has been this one. I love my child and still can’t quite believe that I actually get to be a mom, but it is important to me to maintain a strong sense of self. Before I was a mom, I was an editor, a wife, a reader, a runner, a blogger. And I’m still all of those things. Of course, the mom role is always going to be the one that wins out, like if you’re in the middle of spinning class and your kid starts throwing up, or you’re in the middle of editing an article and your kid needs to go to the urgent care for stitches (both have happened), but they’re all still central to me. I still have moments of self-doubt when I hear phrases like these, wondering if I’m not giving up enough of myself or not being as good a mom as everyone else, but in general I’ve learned to accept it and avoid unnecessary guilty feelings. Motherhood is a huge part of my life but not the only part of my life.

All kids are different, all families are different – and so just because other people are napping when their baby does or are being full-time at-home moms or are making all their baby food from scratch or whatever doesn’t mean that’s what’s best for your life or your baby’s. However… I have to admit that around here, a couple of those parenting cliches really are on to something. These are the ones I’ve kept around (but will try not to annoyingly pass on, in case they don’t work for you!):

It’s only a phase: I found this so helpful in two ways as a personal mantra (but not always as advice from others, I must admit – when you’re in the thick of things, sometimes it just feels cruel for people to say this out loud to you). First, it got me through so many of the tough things about having a newborn, and it still works all the way through toddlerhood: sleep regression when he used to go through the night just fine? It’s only a phase. Miserable teething baby? It’s only a phase. You’ll get through it all – nothing lasts forever! On the other hand, as a type-A list maker who doesn’t always live so well in the present, I need reminders to appreciate the now. So thanks to this phrase those middle-of-the-night feeding sessions got a little reminder to appreciate the specialness of holding and feeding a tiny baby – even if the only thing I wanted to be doing in that very moment was SLEEP – because they’re all fleeting moments. (The truly miserable ones can fly away gone though, I say!)

The days are long but the years are short/It goes so fast: probably the biggest cliches of all, but goodness this sentiment feels true in my life. There are some days that feel like they’ll never end, but then somehow my baby is about to turn two.

Never wake a sleeping baby: something my mom always said, and around here it’s gospel.

In the end I think what I’m really looking for is honesty from others and the permission to be honest myself. There are hard things in parenting and there are awesome things – let’s talk about and acknowledge the realities. So I think we can throw out a lot of those stock parenting phrases; instead, the most kind and helpful advice we can pass along to new parents is just be yourself. You are the best mom for your kid and that’s what matters most.

What are some parenting adages that you found true for your family – or drove you completely crazy? (Like maybe some of  these funny Tina Fey 30 Rock memes?)