Today I’m sharing my story about finding the courage to go to counseling. Read on for how it affected my relationship with God – for the better.
It took months to make the phone call. Then a few more months to fill out the simple paperwork.
By the time I actually started counseling, it was about six months past when I had even started considering it. But honestly? Years and years overdue.
I grew up a classic good girl, with parents that brought me to church and a faith community that was basically family.
Yet a low-level, performance-driven anxiety followed me like a shadow. We good girls are still as much a mess as anyone, but quietly so, out of fear.
“We good girls are still as much a mess as anyone, but quietly so, out of fear.”
At the same time, there was a sense of not being able to fit in with my peers, leaving me nervous and quiet. There was also a need to make the adults around me happy, because with that came approval and recognition.
Throughout this time, my own image of God was formed. He was good, sure. Loving, in His way. But stern. Demanding. Constantly testing me. Often disappointed in me. Only generous with blessings when I filled my end of the bargain.
And so, I set about the task of performing and keeping up appearances, because that’s what pleased my image of God. I tried to hold it all together, along with my anxiety, failures, sin, questions, and fears. This lasted all the way through various seasons in my life, including many painful failures and disappointments, which prompted more shame and striving.
“I set about the task of performing and keeping up appearances, because that’s what pleased my image of God.”
Let’s be clear: the one true God was with me in it all — working on my heart, showing up for me with love and grace time after time. Yet there was so much more to be sorted out with Him.
Something needed to be done. The feeling of “I can’t go on like this” was unwavering. But the fear of dealing with my issues, facing my questions with God and myself, felt even stronger. What if I was just as bad and disappointing and appalling as I always feared I’d be?
Find the rest of this story here, as part of the Brave Women Series with Becky Beresford!
A huge thank you to Becky for letting me share my story.
Find out more about how biblical counseling could be a good choice for you.
Photo Credit: Elisa Ph. on Unsplash
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